If a lot of men grow up learning not to love their true selves, learning that their own healthy attachment needs (emotional safety, nurturance, connection, love, trust) are weak and wrong – that anyone’s attachment, or emotional safety, needs are weak and wrong – this can lead to two things. They may be less able to experience women as whole people with intelligible needs and feelings (for autonomy, for emotional safety, for attunement, for trust). They may be less able to make sense of their own needs for connection, transmuting them instead into distorted but more socially mirrored forms.To heal rape culture, then, men build masculine nurturance skills: nurturance and recuperation of their true selves, and nurturance of the people of all genders around them.This knowledge shapes everything: assumptions about the significance of needs, how one ought to respond to them, what closeness feels like, how to love your own soul, and what kind of nurturance is actually meant to happen in intimate space.Meanwhile, the men I know who are kind, goodhearted people, but who are earlier on in growing into their own models for self-love and learning how to comfort and nurture others, have no men to ask.Because people get to know each other by spending time together, you should build a real friendship with someone before pursuing romance.
Go out and have a drink with a friend instead, you will probably learn more doing that, watching people around you than you will learn from reading this book.
Ask any male college student if guys and girls can be “just friends” and he will laugh and shake his head no. Because men typically only invest time and energy into a relationship they believe can go further.
The guy might keep his intentions covert, but if you scratch under the surface, his heart is engaged.
When it comes to relationships, the character of the individuals involved is very important.
Even if someone has a great personality and good looks, it will be hard - if not impossible - to develop a meaningful or lasting relationship if there's no depth of character.